See the World with Your Heart, Not Your Eyes

When I think about all of the things Madilyn is missing because she is blind, I often consider the bad sights. An animal killed on the side of the road, the worried expression that took over my face when the doctor said she would need a major skull surgery, and the numerous harsh images flashing across the television screen. Perhaps it is some sort of blessing to be sheltered by God and not be subjected to such horrific sights, especially as a child.

On the other hand, maybe she is being cheated by not having all the visual information sighted people take in every waking minute- the information which shapes our minds and is stored in our memories forever only to be pulled out in the future as we reflect on the past, make decisions, and plan our lives.

Either way, the visual images are not in Madilyn's mind. Instead, she has memories of what seem to be mostly sound and speech, even musical notes. She can tell you the title, season, and episode number of every Sesame Street on Netflix. She will remember the sound of you voice years from the day she met you. She can tell you the name of a song within seconds of hearing it, and what note the clank of the glass made as we said, "Cheers!" last New Year's Eve.

Some people have asked me if I could give Madilyn sight today, would I do it? Many may think it's an easy answer. "Yes, of course!" they probably believe. But as her mother, it would be extremely hard for me to say that I wanted to change her. She was given to me without sight, without eyes, from Him. Everything she is today- funny, smart, sweet & loving- is because of everything she has experienced from the day she was born, and even before.

To experience this world without sight is something most of us could never imagine. Having not had to actually make the decision, most of the time I don't feel like it should really be my choice to give her sight, even if it was possible. I think that is something she would need to decide herself when she is older. People may not understand that I believe Madilyn might not want to be different than she is today, with the life she knows. Maybe she is perfectly happy without sight... She most certainly acts that way every day.


But if I could take away her frustrations and the pain she has had to endure through surgeries and doctors poking, I would do it in a New York second. And maybe even those experiences, although not pleasant, have helped shape her as well- it's hard to say for sure. However, I do know that the person I am today, and the beautiful life I live, is because of her. And I thank God every single day.




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All That Shines...

We've been practicing math concepts a lot lately with Madilyn- counting, shapes, and more. Math doesn't seem to come as easy to blind children as it does sighted children. I get so overwhelmed sometimes when I think of all the things Madilyn is missing out on just by not seeing. We recently moved into a new home with many beautiful windows that give us an ever changing display of the most unique art one could ask for, the sky. I sit and look out, wondering what Madilyn listens to, or feels, to get the same satisfaction as I do from the magnificent colors and textures.

When Madilyn was born, I immediately thought of all the things she would miss out on by not seeing them. How could you ever appreciate a sunset without being able to see the natural blends of colors no man can recreate? But she has recently become fascinated with the sun anyway. She is captivated by its warmth. She sat on the chaise one day by the window, sunbeams streaming in full force without the curtains or blinds to hinder them. She waved her hand about in front of her face, blocking a little piece of the ray on her face. I know she could feel the coolness on that little shaded spot of creamy skin instantly. I just sat in awe of how she was 'seeing' what I thought she may never know. I almost felt like crying to see her expressions as she experimented with positioning her hand in different places, probably feeling the warmth, then the coolness, dance back and forth between her hand and her sweet little smiling face.

Since this moment, when of course I had no camera at my fingertips, Madilyn has asked to feel the sun each day. At our new house, the schoolroom/playroom has three long floor to ceiling windows in a bay where she can lounge around and feel the sun most any hour of the day. I didn't realize that she wasn't getting much sunshine at all throughout the day inside our old apartment, which had very few windows and we kept them shut for privacy most of the time anyway. We went out for walks and more, but that doesn't compare to getting caught in a sunbeam on a lazy afternoon. I wait each day for moments like that one. I assure you my days are full of brightness just seeing her smile and be happy, but every parent must know that there are just some little moments that fill our hearts and last a lifetime.

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you will never see a shadow." - Helen Keller